[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
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Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.