NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
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Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
Blew out my flip flop…
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes