If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
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Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
The struggle is real
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class