Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.

I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.

I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.

Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.

All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.

Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”

Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”

Lambs: “Baaaa!”

Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”

Lambs: “…”

Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”

Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”

Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:

“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”

‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.

centipede: *trips*

*but for like, an hour*

I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.

Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.

[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me

How to make it rain:

-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”

If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.

*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!

Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?

“Treat yourself,” they say.

“No, wait—not like that—”

But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair

Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.

‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…

My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?

Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)

*In church

9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…

Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep

9: oh

[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying

Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.

me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia

therapist: you might be getting carried away

me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight

I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.

Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores

*at the end of a 3 day weekend*

Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time

The universe: here is a snow delay

Me: no, not like that

Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.

saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.

If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.

📸: @blessingmanifesting

#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth