He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
You Might Also Like
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.