The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
You Might Also Like
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
Beards are a privilege, not a right
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
Erm…
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.