Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
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Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
This is I, Robot all over again
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰