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[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
Sunday
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
Vodka burrito was a success
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it