The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
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If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
This chloroform smells expensiv…
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom