Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
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“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
I took over 50,000 steps today by taping my fitness bracelet to my Roomba.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
Husband: I’ll unload the dishwasher for you, honey.
Me: No rush.
3 days later…….regrets saying no rush.
“We should see other people”
“It’s not u it’s me”
“I’m breaking up w/ u”
“I’m sleeping w/ ur brother”
– not coo
wife: “HOW ARE WE OUT OF ICE AGAIN?”
me: “DUNNO,” I yell from the bathroom; the penguin and I can barely contain our laughter.
*walking in forest*
*tree falls and makes a loud noise*
*tree gets up*
*tree pull a knife on me*
“You didn’t hear SHIT”
*tree runs off*
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone