Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
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When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.