Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
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That time Alicia messaged me
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
oh no, steve’s working tonight
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.