“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
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[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
Beware of fowl play.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.