5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
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is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
Smells like a challenge to me
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
I have never related to a cat more
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.