My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
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It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
[guy inventing Captain Crunch]
Hear me out, they’re razor blades, but they’re delicious.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH