Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
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Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
🤣🤣🤣
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.