@ddsmidt

Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.

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@sixfootcandy

My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.

@SardonicTart

Allow me to play for you the song of my people

*Sound of chip bag opening*

@_wangwe

Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.

@TheMichaelRock

[guy inventing Captain Crunch]

Hear me out, they’re razor blades, but they’re delicious.

@JD_KC

The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.

@Elizasoul80

[my husband turning onto our street]

“know what I think?”

husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.

“we’ve been down this road before”

@jada_captain

*weather drops 2 degrees*

me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas

@dril

if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s

@marccold

ME: whose dog are you

DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL

ME: whose cat are you

CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH