Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
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Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya