NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
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WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
technically true but not a great slogan
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…