NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
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We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti