NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
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sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
reduce, reuse, recycle
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.