Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
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At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
😲 WTF? 😆
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”