@alexlumaga

Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine

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@bartandsoul

Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”

Me: “Hell yes!”

Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”

@StellaRtwot

I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.

@slimmy_shady

Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?

@duumb

[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]

omg this is gonna hurt

@TheMichaelRock

Coworker: Are those Chinos?

Me: No. These are my pants.

Coworker…

Me: Who steals pants?

@Darlainky

Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.

Canada: Let’s keep it that way.

@Wine_Honey1

*gets sent nude selfie with messy bedroom in the background

Sorry to ruin the mood, but is that a half-eaten corn dog on your floor?

@kumailn

Pitch: child wishes to become big & does. Gets job at toy company & his youthful perspective doesn’t help cuz he’s got the brain of a child.

@BuckyIsotope

ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*

@BillPelicanBros

Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.