Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
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Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.