[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
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A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on