@JohnLyonTweets

[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.

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@roxiqt

LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay over

LETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over

@Vice_Queen

LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.

@squirrel74wkgn

Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*

[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*

[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*

[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶

Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?

Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶

@JizzIam

Called my mum to tell her I was stuck in a rut. She yells that life is tough, get on with it & hangs up. I’m now waiting on a tow truck.

@jordan_stratton

I can’t imagine a better slogan for a glasses company than, “Buy our glasses if you ever want to see your children again.”

@drearydoug

At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.

@junejuly12

The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block

I know a sign from God when I see one

@BigJDubz

STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF