@HomeProbably

Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.

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@ObscureGent

I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.

@JB4Realz

HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)

@SarraBeth

“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.

@NoTheOtherJohn

Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.

@freeDone01

My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.

@comedyfish

If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach

@AGreaterMonster

If Twitter adds an edit button you’ll retweet “I like kittens” and ten minutes later it’ll say “I drink period blood.”

@ThatDamnFireman

My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.

@closetoclassy

Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.

@_steamy_mac

Nothing like going out to a crowded place to remind yourself why you never ever go to crowded places and also a lot of people smell bad and WHY ARE YOU STANDING SO CLOSE THERE IS NO NEED FOR YOU TO BE TOUCHING ME THIS LINE ISN’T GONNA MOVE FASTER IF YOU’RE PRESSED AGAINST ME!!!