Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
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I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
Pretty much! 😂👀
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.