Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
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[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
synchronized noseblowing
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.