@DanKCharnley

Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!

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@AbbyHasIssues

No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.

@KevinBuffalo

I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ??

@ShortSleeveSuit

[2045]

The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.

@mrjohndarby

[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled

@TweetPotato314

Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.

Wife: Of course not, where is he?

Me: I just told you.

@T4dyce

If you think you hate me now, wait till I start answering your rhetorical questions.

@wendchymes

I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?

@ericsshadow

[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk

[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory

@Cpin42

My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.