*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
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[stuck on an island]
message in bottle: if anyone gets this, please save us
bottle returns: if this gets 10k RTs on Twitter we’ll send help
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
Homeschooling isn’t that hard … just set an agenda, stick to a routine, have fun … oh and don’t have kids!
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
Perfect one night stand:
No internet access.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
May I talk to you about Jesus Christ?
– how I get out of any situation