@DanKCharnley

Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!

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@jimmy_sharpe

I’m not lazy. I’m just stopping the sofa from floating away.

@tiemoose

FRODO: what is it?

SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been

FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam

[literally one step later]

SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been

FRODO: wait no

@WhatsAGreenhorn

[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.

Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.

Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando

@MOONEM0Jl

aliens probably ride pass earth and lock their doors

@N0pantz

Hey, Dude who flips me off for honking at him in the parking lot, your groceries are on top of your car.

@Carbosly

This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.

His name was John.

@pleatedjeans

[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT

@ladybroseph

Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.

@KKAlThani

Probably the worst time to ask “shouldn’t we go on a date first?” is after getting handcuffed by a police officer.