@DanKCharnley

Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!

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@PaperWash

*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview

@LaziestCanine

[stuck on an island]
message in bottle: if anyone gets this, please save us
bottle returns: if this gets 10k RTs on Twitter we’ll send help

@murrman5

[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat

@Hormonella

If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.

@babyitsmb

I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.

@antheanton

Homeschooling isn’t that hard … just set an agenda, stick to a routine, have fun … oh and don’t have kids!

@LeBearGirdle

Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!

Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!

@SondraDeeMe

Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.

No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.

@DrakeGatsby

Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.

*People do special things for my birthday*

Me: Oh thank God.

@vajennilogue2

May I talk to you about Jesus Christ?

– how I get out of any situation