taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
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velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.