Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!

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No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.


I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ??



The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.


[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled


Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.

Wife: Of course not, where is he?

Me: I just told you.


If you think you hate me now, wait till I start answering your rhetorical questions.


I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?


[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk

[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory


My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.