Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
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I found your tweet-up…
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
I gave up going to work for lent.
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.