“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
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I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
what my late-night hot pocket sees
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
These work great until they don’t.
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.