Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
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Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
At least try to make it slightly believable
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.