@recursivetaco

Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:

I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?

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@rolldiggity

ME: “This might be a dumb question…”
SCIENTIST: “There’s no such thing as dumb que–”
ME: “Am I a dragon?”

@ArfMeasures

Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?

Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?

@d2BMcG

Listen mate, the only rapture I’m interested in was sung by Debbie Harry

@KeetPotato

me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”

@tastefactory

My neighbors complain about me throwing my cigarette butts on the lawn but they’ll be pumped when a cigarette tree sprouts in the spring

@danabrit

I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.

@alldrolledup

4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.