Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
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ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?