911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
Need hospital etiquette advice. How long should you wait after they pull the plug to ask if you can use the socket to charge your phone?
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Her:”Let’s make a baby.”
Him: “Okay! Hold on.”
*goes to bathroom*
[5 minutes later.]
Her: “Where’d you go?”
Him: “You meant with you??”
in 70 years, teenagers will commiserate on how their COVID-era grandparents still hoard toilet paper and hand sanitizer. “my grandma keeps a closet full of it!”
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
H: No, but whatever.
H: Nah, but your call.
He’s dead now
“Tom Brady did nothing wrong” is Boston’s “The Confederate Flag isn’t really about slavery.”
You know what else is fun? Playing dead when your husband receives the credit card bill…
Just flipped my son off behind his back because I’m an adult and don’t get into arguments with 4 year olds.
Actions speak louder than words, unless those words are spoken by a drunken woman