@AristotlesNZ

Need hospital etiquette advice. How long should you wait after they pull the plug to ask if you can use the socket to charge your phone?

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@OakHill_

911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now

@DumbConfessions

Her:”Let’s make a baby.”

Him: “Okay! Hold on.”

*goes to bathroom*

[5 minutes later.]

Her: “Where’d you go?”

Him: “You meant with you??”

@morninggloria

in 70 years, teenagers will commiserate on how their COVID-era grandparents still hoard toilet paper and hand sanitizer. “my grandma keeps a closet full of it!”

@ScottLinnen

So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.

@WilliamAder

Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?

@ForEllieSylvia

M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.

He’s dead now

@briangaar

“Tom Brady did nothing wrong” is Boston’s “The Confederate Flag isn’t really about slavery.”

@amazymay72x

You know what else is fun? Playing dead when your husband receives the credit card bill…

@charliedelta7

Just flipped my son off behind his back because I’m an adult and don’t get into arguments with 4 year olds.

@McNevich

Actions speak louder than words, unless those words are spoken by a drunken woman