My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
Need hospital etiquette advice. How long should you wait after they pull the plug to ask if you can use the socket to charge your phone?
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“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
“Oh god wait.”
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
OCTOPUS: *places tentacle on Bible*
JUDGE: Do u swear to tell the truth?
BAILIFF: *spends like 8 minutes trying to get Bible unstuck*
I had my appendix taken out as a child. They said it was useless, but based on my life since then, I’m guessing it controls motivation.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk