Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
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We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.