@OpenClassMX

Need tips on making something look like an accident.

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@Book_Krazy

I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now

@Mikecanrant

T Rex isnt so scary if you imagine a bunch of baby T Rexes watching Barney just giggling and rolling around on the ground playing with keys.

@AmishPornStar1

HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!

@omgthatspunny

All the toilets in New York ‘s police stations have been stolen . Police have nothing to go on.

@VodkaTiem

I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.

@TheSharona06

Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?

Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.

Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?

@Gupton68

Me: Where are the kids?

Wife: Mom’s

Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?

W: Almost certainly not

@fro_vo

WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go

@donni

Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.