Need tips on making something look like an accident.
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SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.