@DrakeGatsby

Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you

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@Skoog

[the clock strikes half past two]

dentist: my time has come

@Paxochka

Now that Steve Jobs is gone we’ll never ever know why c**t autocorrects to Cynthia.

WHO WAS CYNTHIA?!?

@melissaFTW

I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”

@bonniemcfarlane

My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.

@michaelianblack

The phrase “Whatever floats your boat” is misleading because, practically speaking, the only thing that’s going to float your boat is water.

@Social_Mime

If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.

@infamousone96

Boss: “You’re not suppose to be drinking on the job!”
Me: “You’re not suppose to cheat on your wife.”
Boss: “Keep up the good work sir.”

@Kyle_Raney

My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud

@starsnbars7

I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.

@ArfMeasures

ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit