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The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
How to make infinite energy.
? 💀
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.