[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
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Now that Steve Jobs is gone we’ll never ever know why c**t autocorrects to Cynthia.
WHO WAS CYNTHIA?!?
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
The phrase “Whatever floats your boat” is misleading because, practically speaking, the only thing that’s going to float your boat is water.
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
Boss: “You’re not suppose to be drinking on the job!”
Me: “You’re not suppose to cheat on your wife.”
Boss: “Keep up the good work sir.”
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit