The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
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SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french