I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
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Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
Me: hello refrigerator, may I have some ice cubes
Refrigerator: how many
Me: idk like four
Refrigerator: you may have four (voice turns evil while dispensing) HUNDRED
Husband: What are you watching?
Me: *names any show* wanna watch?
Husband: Ugh, no thanks.
*plot twist on show*
Husband from other room: OMG WHAT?!?
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Go home North Korea, you’re drunk.
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie