my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
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Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
The French word for sex is croissant.