Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.

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I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”


“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz


Me: hello refrigerator, may I have some ice cubes

Refrigerator: how many

Me: idk like four

Refrigerator: you may have four (voice turns evil while dispensing) HUNDRED


Husband: What are you watching?

Me: *names any show* wanna watch?

Husband: Ugh, no thanks.

*plot twist on show*

Husband from other room: OMG WHAT?!?


Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.


Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.


Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam


1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie