@HRH_Duke_of_Url

Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.

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@SarcasticSadOne

I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”

@EliBraden

“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz

@Ygrene

Me: hello refrigerator, may I have some ice cubes

Refrigerator: how many

Me: idk like four

Refrigerator: you may have four (voice turns evil while dispensing) HUNDRED

@ThisOneSayz

Husband: What are you watching?

Me: *names any show* wanna watch?

Husband: Ugh, no thanks.

*plot twist on show*

Husband from other room: OMG WHAT?!?

@signalborder

Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.

@MomofTeen

Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.

@TheIronSherk

Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam

@craydrienne

1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie