Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
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it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
*feels the wind in my toe hair
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*