Negotiating with a 3 year old:

Me: pick out two books to read.

3yo: no five books!

Me: fine three books.

3yo: no five books!

Me: no one book!

3yo: no TWO books!

Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.

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Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.


Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.

Friend: You’re being dramatic.

Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.

F: Seriously?

Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.


If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?


[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears


God: They’re called mosquitos

Angel: I see

God: They suck people’s blood

Angel: And this somehow helps preserve a delicate ecosystem?

God: *shrugs* Makes em itch


If I have written a tweet similar to yours, I apologize for your lack of depth and vision.


Nobody invites me to spa day…

Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.


I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.


Listen, if I have to spend $14 for a movie ticket, I expect you to pause the movie when I have to go to the bathroom.