@daddydoubts

Negotiating with a 3 year old:

Me: pick out two books to read.

3yo: no five books!

Me: fine three books.

3yo: no five books!

Me: no one book!

3yo: no TWO books!

Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.

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@Lisabug74

I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.

She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”

@scrueggs

If you’re currently suffering from paranoia I want you to know that you’re not alone.

You’re never alone.

Ever.

@AnemoneOh

Date: what kind of work do you do?
Me: I dabble in real estate
[Dad yells down the stairs]
She visits open houses and eats the free cheese

@desijourno

When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.

@robfee

Wow the weather sure is getting cool *A cloud rolls by wearing sunglasses and smoking an unfiltered cigarette*

@joejwest

ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again

@legendofchelda

Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie

@TheAlexNevil

An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.

@tacsanitchiban

Old friend: Wow! When the hell did you grow a beard?

Me: This morning. On the way here. Just felt like it was time.

@Cpin42

12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.