Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
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Acronyms got me like WTF?
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
turning my gender off to conserve energy
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.