@daddydoubts

Negotiating with a 3 year old:

Me: pick out two books to read.

3yo: no five books!

Me: fine three books.

3yo: no five books!

Me: no one book!

3yo: no TWO books!

Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.

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@BuckyIsotope

Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox

@Briidashian

Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.

@J0hnnyBlaze

“Omg, I literally just died”

-people who literally don’t know what literally means

@daemonic3

“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”

– Diet ads for Cannibals

@AndyAsAdjective

*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*

@_Water_Baby

My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.

@PowKapowBoom

If I get kidnapped, I’ll sing Christmas songs until they hang themselves.

@jane_bot

I’m more likely to wear a donut on my wrist than any fitness tracker.

@colesprouse

I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.