Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
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My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
anyone else like Italian cereal
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.