Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
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If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.