Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.

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Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’


You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.


Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…

Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back


Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”


You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.


Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.


The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary


Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.