Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
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You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.