NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
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Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
Legend 🤣🤣
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.