NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.

ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?

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Chivalry died the same time you stopped being a lady, honey.


[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?


I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.


Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–


Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity


Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.


Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King


I stole a seat from an old man and he remarked, “Chivalry is Dead”.

I said, “I’m sorry, I didn’t know. He wasn’t even trending on Twitter”.


Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.


Welcome to 45…when you can pinch a nerve by uncrossing your legs and blinking at the same time.