@Reverend_Scott

NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.

ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?

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@funnybeachgirl

Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.

@pilau

I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot

@DirtMcTurd

I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it

@jazz_inmypants

whoa i just got a fortune cookie that said “people will literally eat fried cardboard if u tell them there’s a secret inside lmao”

@SardonicTart

[Friend who gave birth a week ago]

“I’m on the treadmill!”

[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]

“My tailbone still hurts”

@ShellHasDragons

God, creating dogs: GIVE THEM JOY AND POOP
Angel: what about balance
God: SOMETHING THAT’LL BRING DEAD BIRDS AS GIFTS HAHAHA. CALL IT CAT.

@samalmightysam

I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.

@ItsAndyRyan

Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of ?
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell