@Reverend_Scott

NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.

ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?

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@SilverKick

Chivalry died the same time you stopped being a lady, honey.

@david8hughes

[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?

@kirkfox

I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.

@BlindChow

Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!

@longwall26

Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity

@10InchesPlus

Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.

@House_Feminist

Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King

@RandomManik

I stole a seat from an old man and he remarked, “Chivalry is Dead”.

I said, “I’m sorry, I didn’t know. He wasn’t even trending on Twitter”.

@Playing_Dad

Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.

@Contigo131

Welcome to 45…when you can pinch a nerve by uncrossing your legs and blinking at the same time.