Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.

You Might Also Like


We can teach kids there’s no “i” in team but it’s way more important to teach them that there’s no “a” in definitely.


Me: Sometimes you need to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, enfarcorate, and move on. You know what I’m saying?

Friend: …


“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”

– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon


I told the kids theyโ€™ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.

I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.


[first day of judge school]
ME: bang the gavel?i hardly know the gavel
TEACHER: *maintains eye contact & crosses something out on clipboard*


Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.


I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….

Hahahaha just kidding

I look great naked


I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”


5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.