We can teach kids there’s no “i” in team but it’s way more important to teach them that there’s no “a” in definitely.
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
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Me: Sometimes you need to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, enfarcorate, and move on. You know what I’m saying?
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
[first day of judge school]
ME: bang the gavel?i hardly know the gavel
TEACHER: *maintains eye contact & crosses something out on clipboard*
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.