Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
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Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late