[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
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Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.