What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
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“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program