@Megatronic13

Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night

Me: no, that’s mine

Neighbor: it’s definitely mine

Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods

Neighbor: I’m taking it back

Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this

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@KissabiX

[Me, drunk at 18]
THIS SHIT IS BANANAS
BEE
AY
EN
AY
EN
AY
ESS!

[Me, drunk now]
I SLEEP IN PAJAMAS
PEE
AY
JAY
AY
EM
AY
ESS

@SkinnerSteven

My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him

@imence2

“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.

@TheAndrewNadeau

HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?

@mexinonblonde

Maybe in ten years we can forget this foolishness and be friends. In the mean time I hope you drop dead, and I will come to your funeral in a red dress, you horror of a human being.

-Me to my Ex.

@ShutUpThatsWho

[God creating cheesecake]

GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good

ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?

GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]