Oh yeh? Explain this then
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
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“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
[Me, drunk at 18]
THIS SHIT IS BANANAS
[Me, drunk now]
I SLEEP IN PAJAMAS
him: what are you going to be for halloween?
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
Maybe in ten years we can forget this foolishness and be friends. In the mean time I hope you drop dead, and I will come to your funeral in a red dress, you horror of a human being.
-Me to my Ex.
but was it fire…?
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]