Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
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*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
At least my masseuse has my back.
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself