Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
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keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
THE AUDACITY. 😤