Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
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I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
lmfao come on
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.