Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
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The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?